This is one of three texts, plus handouts, used at a Negotiation course at Harvard Law taken by students all over the university--and by people from all over the world. At the end of the course, the students spontaneously rose to give the teachers a standing ovation. It's a very popular and valuable course--and this book deals with some of the techniques at the heart of it.
And no, this is not just for lawyers or diplomats. It applies to any of those kinds of conversations that you may be dreading with your boss, your parents, your spouse, your children, your friends. It talks about how to have a conversation that doesn't trigger a defensive reaction so you can get at what happened. You own your feelings, without projecting how you feel on the other person and separate results from intentions. "I got angry when..." rather than "You made me angry...." Because as it says in the book: Talking about blame distracts us from exploring what went wrong and how we might correct them going forward. You need to develop a curiosity about the other side of the story and admit to your own contributions to the problem. Reframe and paraphrase back what you're hearing to defuse and better understand.
Sometimes this technique has worked as a charm. And mind you, this isn't manipulation--in the end this is all about being fair--to yourself and others. That's what makes it difficult. Occasionally I've found people it's... shall we say... frustrating to try it on. You try to paraphrase back what you've heard them say, and you get back, "You're twisting my words!" "You're treating me like a lawyer!" (Doesn't help when someone knows that's what you are.) No doubt some of the problem it might be said in such cases is that I'm not skillful enough at my end using these techniques. But, of course, the thing is people aren't going to keep to the script. (And then there's the occasional psychopath.) But yes, these techniques are helpful and often do work at getting to the bottom of things. I've gone back to this book and brushed up on the principles when I know I'm going to have one of those "difficult" conversations.
